Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
40s are totally the cure
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
