walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
