So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
