If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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