im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
