i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
