she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
