her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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