Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
