any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
