I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
