I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
