She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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