It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
