Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
