Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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