I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
