ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
