I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
