My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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