So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
