i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
