Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
