I accidentally had phone sex last night
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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