lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
