i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
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Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
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Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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