you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
