You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
