We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
