i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
