you told grandpa to call you daddy
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
