how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
