So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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