dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
