3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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