Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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