wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
