By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
