sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
