this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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