Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
