Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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