Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
