in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
