note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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