i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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