I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
