no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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