Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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