Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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