Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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