You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
