Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
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Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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