Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
