Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
