hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!